Not Love

Driving an hour one way on the interstate.
Medians and cars.
Tegan and Sara coming through my speakers.
Just wanting to get a little bit closer.

Pulling up in the driveway.
A nervous energy begins to flow.
Second thoughts dance and flutter through my mind.

Is this what I want?
Has it ever been?

I walk up the drive to the door, which is always open.
The musty smell of dirt, filth, and stale cigarette smoke greet me.

I see you and suddenly it dawns on me like it always does.

I don’t want to be here. Why did I come back?

Today is Thursday

My dream from last night has left me uncertain. In the dream I was crying as hard as I ever felt I have cried before. I was telling my mom how horribly depressed I was. I was lamenting that I couldn’t live like this. I remember feeling to scared to reach out to my psychiatrist. I remember feeling therapy was useless. And I remember it was raining.

I woke up this morning to sunshine.

This dream could be a combination of two things. My friend texted me the other day of how depressed she is feeling.

The other night I found myself googling the DSM (the “Bible” for mental health specialists) text of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really entailed because I had read a fluff article on Narcissism from Psychology Today. The pdf from the DSM included all the different personality disorders which I read through because interesting. Same reason why I read thrillers and watch shows like Forensic Files. Humans are interesting. Flawed humans more so. And I don’t mean flawed to offend. Everyone is flawed in some way or another.

I came across a personality disorder and it was like looking into a mirror. Not to diagnose myself, but yeah, let’s face it — it kind of is diagnosing myself.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

If you have APD, you might have difficulty interacting in social and work settings. This is because you may fear any of the following:

•rejection
•disapproval
•embarrassment
•criticism
•getting to know new people
•intimate relationships
•ridicule

You may also have trouble believing that people like you. When you’re sensitive to rejection and criticism, you may misinterpret neutral comments or actions as negative ones.

Text Credit

All of this rings true for me. My boss at my last job even picked up that I prefer working independently. Also, I have the habit of recycling friendships and relationships. And though my mom doesn’t think so when I mentioned it the other day, I feel I am terrible at maintaining relationships of all kinds.

What it boils down to, well at least part of it, I don’t know how to people.