Happiness is not a place

Not so innocently I came across a photo of my college ex. It will be eleven years in August since we broke up.

I can remember how madly in love I felt with him. It’s funny though.

I look at him now and there is a disconnect. I studied his face, his smile, his nose, his eyes, the shape of his head. And I feel nothing. He’s become a stranger. I don’t know who that person is. It’s not that he looks different, which he doesn’t. But there’s nothing there.

I don’t feel the sadness I used to when I was pining for him. I pined for him for many long years. No one compared to him. When I did find myself in relationships they were boring. Sex was laborious.

The memories are fading. I have a Swiss cheese memory as it is. And the memories that are lingering the most when I think of that time with him, are the not-so-good kind.

If my relationship with him could be summed up into one word, it would be tumultuous.

excited, confused, or disorderly.
“a tumultuous crowd”
synonyms: tempestuous, stormy, turbulent, passionate, intense, explosive, violent, volatile, full of ups and downs, roller-coaster.