Have you ever been mulling over something in your mind while doing something (to be honest, I was smoking a cigarette), but you’re mulling so much you are on autopilot with the thing you are doing?
Well when I realized I was down to the butt and it was time to smash it out, the thing I had been mulling about lapsed for a brief moment and a thought occurred in an instant. Still related to what I had been mulling over. Then the thought stuck because my mind was like YES! That’s it! It has to be! So it started repeating the thing over and over almost in a light chant.
The thing: You don’t make meaningful connections. (just to clarify: with people)
There’s a blogger on my FB that I thought knew this was my blog, (spoiler alert, my name isn’t Nora) but something strange happened just in the last day or two. She liked a post of mine and then disliked it. So I was like, hmmm. I went to check my followers, and she’s unfollowed me. So then I checked my FB — she’s still on my friend’s list. Perplexing… The post she liked/disliked was a kind of “contemporary” short poem (I watched Paterson recently — good movie, Adam Driver is fucking awesome) and I don’t think it could’ve offended her because it was about my feelings on being a loner.
But of course that was only one of the things I was mulling over about. The moment I first thought I don’t make meaningful connections, it became clear that there was truth in it since I am alone. And in my past relationships with people whether family, friend, or lover… I haven’t ever depended on them. I haven’t ever required anything. I have never asked for anything, I just let them lead. If they ask of me, I do. If they want to do something I wouldn’t personally choose to do, we do it.
But I think and I feel that because I do not make similar demands upon them to where the relationship is evenly matched, or somewhat meets in the middle, I am just people pleasing. I am just letting them have their way. I am just fucking play-doh waiting to be molded and then tossed away when that’s not what they care for anymore.
Maybe it’s a good thing I am so alone right now. Maybe I have a lot of work to do on and for myself.