Suicide

Standard

I’m only faking
When I get it right
Cause I fell on
Black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate

-Soundgarden “Fell on Black Days”

I read an article about suicide the other day that I feel rings true. Of course it’s one of the many articles about Chris Cornell (lead singer of Soundgarden, Audioslave, Temple of the Dog, and one I haven’t personally heard Center for Disease Control Boys) since his passing on May 17, 2017.

The one line out of many lines in the article that struck me was:

“The idea that suicidal ideation leaves people alone when they create a good life is an absolute lie.”

Suicide never makes sense, but it’s definitely not always situational and I feel the line, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” is not a blanketable statement. Blanketable is a new term made by yours truly.

I am aware the other day I posted a blog about feeling we should shut up about mental illness. I still sometimes feel that way because I am constantly reminded of it everytime I go to take my medication. And then having it thrown in your face for someone’s cheap low-blow is annoying at best. My mom the other day when we were talking said, “I forget that you have Bipolar. You’ve been doing so well it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore.”

If only that could be the case for me.

Suicide is different. We NEED to talk about it. We need preventative measures and to be there for those that are suffering in silence or crying for help.

Also, the whole thing about it being cowardice fucking kills me. And selfish? Fuck that. In my opinion, it’s not cowardice. It is not cowardice to me because I am afraid of dying. I actually do get paranoid thoughts of dying when I eat something I’ve never eaten before. If I walk out on a dock without railings and seeing all the dark water surrounding me, I freeze up. If I take my medication on autopilot and have to think did I take it or not and should I take it or not. If I’m the passenger in the car, I either ignore everything and stare at some social media on my phone or I backseat drive for the person — driving them crazy in the process.

I know suicide leaves a lot of the people in that person’s life in pain. I really get that. Yet for me, calling it selfish is an intimidation factor. It wouldn’t fly if a man told his wife, “if you leave me, I’ll take full custody of the kids” It happens, but that’s control, that’s intimidation and how is it not the same for someone to say, “people who kill themselves are selfish.” or “suicide is the most selfish act.” It is basically saying, “if you kill yourself you’ll forever be remembered as pulling the most selfish act.” “If you kill yourself it will kill me, your parents, your friends.”

I just feel it shouldn’t be like that. That’s not the healthiest way to talk about suicide prevention or prevent suicide.

Being there. Seeing them through the ugliness of what they’re dealing with. NOT judging them for having such feelings. Listening. Those are the things I would feel would help. Because those are the things that helped me the three times I tried to off myself as a teen and young adult. The third time was almost a “winner” and I think that experience is why I am so terrified of death.

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8 thoughts on “Suicide

  1. My two year “anniversary” of my suicide attempt is coming near and as much as I thrilled that it didn’t pan out, I cannot allow myself to forget about it. Because it matters, it happened and I need to remember.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Suicide is a very touchy subject for me. I’ve had someone attempt it right in front of me and use it as a tool to keep me in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. I’ve also lost a brother-in-law to it. I’ve been been very supportive of AFSP for the last 10 years.

    I don’t think you can talk about suicide without talking about mental illness, though. The two seem to go hand in hand. It seems to me if you properly treat your mental illness the chances of committing suicide drastically drop.

    There was a time I harbored the thoughts you mention above. In the wake of my BIL’s suicide all I could think of was how selfish it seemed. Seeing how it devastated my (then) wife and her parents left me wondering how anyone could possibly do that to those who loved him so much. After meeting and getting to know people with suicidal tendencies, however, I see it from another point of view. I’ve been in some dark places the last few years, too. I’ve never once been suicidal, but I can see how some people would think it’s the only way out.

    I hope you’re in a better place now.

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    • Since my diagnosis, I have had 10 people use it against me. Sometimes it feels the more awareness we try to make, the bigger the stigma becomes. So yes, sometimes I feel it’s not worth the effort to talk about.

      I also a lot of the time feel like calling it an illness is bullshit. Just like I feel pop psychology changing it from manic depression to bipolar enlarged the stigma. In my thoughts and feelings on living with this disorder, it’s just my brain is wired differently. The medication just makes it run more orderly and it’s my job to take it regularly so it will continue to do so.

      My mother tried to kill herself at the age of 19 because she was married to a very sick and sadistic man. She doesn’t suffer ‘mental illness’ so not everyone who attempts or succeeds is technically mentally ill.

      Sorry to hear about your BIL.

      Like

    • No, not every suicidal person is mentally ill, but, according to statistics, most of them are.

      I’m sorry to hear that people are using your diagnosis against you. I would hope it’s just ignorance on the part of those who’ve done it. Whether we call it an illness or a differently wired brain, people will still be afraid unless they understand. No one will understand if we don’t talk about it. Even then, some people won’t understand unless they experience it.

      Such was the case with me.

      It’s hard for me to talk about my mental health, which is why I write about it. I feel ashamed when discussing it and so long as I simply write about it I don’t have to endure any judgemental looks in the process. Only one person I work with knows I take medication for a mental illness. I don’t even know if my entire family knows. My parents do. The twins do. I have no idea if my brothers know.

      It’s a tough thing to suffer from, and even tougher to know who to share your affliction with.

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  3. It’s a scary place to be in I think on both sides. It is maybe an act of desperation that makes people become selfish to say that suicidal tendencies are selfish. It’s not to blame, but the living need to get on with life without their loved ones and that is scary. While what the other person needs with understanding and even an acknowledgement that what they feel is real and they need people to just be there..good article!

    Liked by 1 person

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