Happiness is not a place

Not so innocently I came across a photo of my college ex. It will be eleven years in August since we broke up.

I can remember how madly in love I felt with him. It’s funny though.

I look at him now and there is a disconnect. I studied his face, his smile, his nose, his eyes, the shape of his head. And I feel nothing. He’s become a stranger. I don’t know who that person is. It’s not that he looks different, which he doesn’t. But there’s nothing there.

I don’t feel the sadness I used to when I was pining for him. I pined for him for many long years. No one compared to him. When I did find myself in relationships they were boring. Sex was laborious.

The memories are fading. I have a Swiss cheese memory as it is. And the memories that are lingering the most when I think of that time with him, are the not-so-good kind.

If my relationship with him could be summed up into one word, it would be tumultuous.

excited, confused, or disorderly.
“a tumultuous crowd”
synonyms: tempestuous, stormy, turbulent, passionate, intense, explosive, violent, volatile, full of ups and downs, roller-coaster.

Today is Thursday

My dream from last night has left me uncertain. In the dream I was crying as hard as I ever felt I have cried before. I was telling my mom how horribly depressed I was. I was lamenting that I couldn’t live like this. I remember feeling to scared to reach out to my psychiatrist. I remember feeling therapy was useless. And I remember it was raining.

I woke up this morning to sunshine.

This dream could be a combination of two things. My friend texted me the other day of how depressed she is feeling.

The other night I found myself googling the DSM (the “Bible” for mental health specialists) text of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder really entailed because I had read a fluff article on Narcissism from Psychology Today. The pdf from the DSM included all the different personality disorders which I read through because interesting. Same reason why I read thrillers and watch shows like Forensic Files. Humans are interesting. Flawed humans more so. And I don’t mean flawed to offend. Everyone is flawed in some way or another.

I came across a personality disorder and it was like looking into a mirror. Not to diagnose myself, but yeah, let’s face it — it kind of is diagnosing myself.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

If you have APD, you might have difficulty interacting in social and work settings. This is because you may fear any of the following:

•rejection
•disapproval
•embarrassment
•criticism
•getting to know new people
•intimate relationships
•ridicule

You may also have trouble believing that people like you. When you’re sensitive to rejection and criticism, you may misinterpret neutral comments or actions as negative ones.

Text Credit

All of this rings true for me. My boss at my last job even picked up that I prefer working independently. Also, I have the habit of recycling friendships and relationships. And though my mom doesn’t think so when I mentioned it the other day, I feel I am terrible at maintaining relationships of all kinds.

What it boils down to, well at least part of it, I don’t know how to people.

 

I want to move to Orlando

Is it worth it can you even hear me?
Standing with your spotlight on me.
Not enough to feed the hungry,
I’m tired and I felt it for awhile now…

In this sea of lonely,
The taste of ink is getting old.
It’s four o’clock in the fucking morning!
Each day gets more and more like the last day…

Still I can see it coming,
While I’m standing in the river drowning.
This could be my chance to break out,
This could be my chance to say goodbye…

At last it’s finally over,
Couldn’t take this town much longer.
Being half dead wasn’t what I planned to be,
Now I’m ready to be free!

So here I am it’s in my hands,
And I’ll savor every moment of this.
So here I am alive at last,
And I’ll savor every moment of this…

And won’t you think I’m pretty
When I’m standing top the bright lit city?
And I’ll take your hand and pick you up
And keep you there to so you can see…
As long as you’re alive and care,
I promise I will take you there,
And we’ll drink and dance the night away…

So here I am it’s in my hands,
And I’ll savor every moment of this.
So here I am alive at last,
And I’ll savor every moment of this,
Savor every moment of this…

As long as you’re alive,
Here I am…
I promise I will take you there.

And won’t you think I’m pretty
When I’m standing top the bright lit city?
And I’ll take your hand and pick you up,
And keep you there to so you can see…
As long as you’re alive and care,
I promise I will take you there.
As long as you’re alive and care,
I promise I will take you there.

So here I am it’s in my hands,
And I’ll savor every moment of this.
So here I am alive at last,
And I’ll savor every moment of this…

Savor every moment of this…