Panic, Anxiety… It’s all okay

13 Oct

Today is Friday the 13th. I try and act like I’m so not superstitious, but I really love Friday the 13th, especially when it happens in October.

I realize that when people talk of panic or anxiety, whether it’s a constant nagging feeling or full-blown attack, it’s looked at with the most negative connotations which really doesn’t help the person experiencing the disorder or the people trying to understand.

How many times have you heard the phrase, you cannot help how you feel? As if emotions control us. And that we must embrace them to move forward. I think it depends on the situation, but we do as intellectual beings have some sort of control in the way we feel. But with anxiety and panic, we have a little less and I feel embracing it is a healthier way to be with it.

Instead of using the phrase, “don’t panic” or the most widely known, “calm down.” I think there should be assurance that it is okay to panic. It feels shitty when you’re going through it, but you will come to the other side.

What a lot of people have trouble understanding is that people with panic/anxiety disorder, when their anxiety is heightened or they are having an attack, it is very real to them. In my panic attacks, I have felt like I was going to die. Mine are usually triggered if I feel like a hypomanic/manic or depressive episode is coming since I have Bipolar disorder. People are triggered from a variety of things.

My point is, I think it is fruitless to not assure someone that what they are going through is okay. To tell them what they’re feeling is not real or doesn’t matter, or that they simply need to calm down is counterintuitive and will make them resistant to your ways of trying to help, especially if they are in a panic attack. 

What the fuck did I just read?

12 Oct

This is a similar yet opposite reaction to the night I watched Gerald’s Game. Before Netflix changed the main image of the movie to forewarn viewers that it was in fact a Stephen King book first. Similar in the sense I repeatedly asked aloud to no one in particular, what the fuck am I watching? Opposite because when the movie was over I was like, that was pretty sick and twisted but good. I dig it.

I was on a mommy blogger’s site reading one of their sponsored content posts. You know you enjoy a writer when you’re willing to read sponsored content. But this time, I was wondering what she was on. Usually when she goes on tangents they still make sense with the flow. She can transition topics smoothly. This was choppy and nothing of one thing related to the other.

She was trying to relate an exchange she had with a person about bucks in people’s yards, and this gentleman suggesting to blog it as a topic while promoting fabfitfun box with frou-frou items — that honestly — I don’t know why anyone would buy. But that is beside the point. Well, maybe not.

Why buy a $50 box of stuff just because it “always has over a $200 value”? Yes, a 110-160% markup value. I’m not a shopper apparently and I rarely see the need for a lot of the shit people buy. In my mind, that shit looks like clutter — hard pass. The main thing I will buy is food. The rest of my money goes to my monthly expenses. So maybe my opinion doesn’t matter on the box or on people’s shopping habits. Or even on someone’s choppy sponsored content that leaves you questioning if they were high.

Don’t get me wrong. I may sound harsh, but I do like this blogger and follow her blog and her podcast show. Who willingly reads sponsored content?


I hate when I decide to get up because I can’t fall back asleep

9 Oct

I always want to kick myself because of it. I just have a tendency to wake up when it is still dark when I am stressing the upcoming day. One of my tasks today is a webinar with people from around the US and Canada sometimes. Other locales.

Since all my information was without hiccups from day 1, I was the first they signed up. And since the webinars fill fast, I won’t have anyone from my group in it with me. Have I mentioned I am camera shy? I digress. I just have to remember that normally when they train people, there are no groups. People usually go through this process solo. But I like my group.

I was talking with someone from my group and because of the topic I asked why they weren’t in tech. They told me that they wanted to go tech, but the HM said to start with sales then go from there. I thought that was interesting and it made me curious because that same HM told me the two previous people who interviewed me recommended tech and I had the option to go tech or sales since I applied for sales, but the HM really emphasised they wanted me in tech.

SideNote: Thank God I am not in sales. Most of my training to this point has been on the sales department. I seriously think sales would be super hard for me over customer service and troubleshooting. But some of the people I have come across mentioned a time or two about how stressful the tech side can be. I have a background of helping very unhappy people with their prescriptions so I am hoping it’s not too far off from that. ::crossing fingers…

The answer is 42.

Sorry, I was looking at the number of drafts I have now, I have 42. Most were previously published. I haven’t had drafts like this before. Like this amount. Usually it’s 2-3 tops and when I get bored I look to see if they’re worth working and most the time I trash them. I would say statistically, 95% of the posts I write get published the minute I am done writing. This is probably why I have to go back and censor myself. Sometimes it’s with only one eye open because I am thinking, “Really??”

In fact, there is one post that is still published that received likes that made me feel a little dumbfounded because when I reread the post, sentence structure was NOT my strong suit that day. There’s one paragraph where I am like, “How do they even understand what I mean here?” Yeah, that bad. But I left it up because I am not perfect no matter how much I try to fool myself.



Stats are Weird

7 Oct

Yesterday, I didn’t write. I didn’t “publish” anything. Randomly, I get a WordPress notification telling me my stats are on fire — well, basically — I forget their wording. Usually in the past if I got a spike in stats it was because of something I posted, or a tag that was searched. For example, in one of my last  WordPress blogs, I got on a tangent about Twilight’s Bella and Edward. I felt some people were taking it a little too far saying Edward was a domestic abuser control freak so I wanted to state my piece. A lot of the search terms that came to my blog in result of that were along the lines of “Bella and Edward porn.”


So it wasn’t so much me, but the keywords or tags if you will. Clarification: I didn’t tag porn.. they came up with that on their own and Google or whatever Search Engine they used listed me as a credible source for that… I’m sure they were thoroughly disappointed when they saw my blog.


So I got a huge spike yesterday, almost split down the middle between Canada and the US with most views on homepage, and a couple (literally) clicks for each recent post. No referrals, no search terms, nothing to indicate in anyway the reason for this spike.

This is why I don’t care about stats. And I think people who blog by the numbers are missing the point of blogging. It’s about engaging. Same with how businesses run. Yes there are conversions and metrics, but if you have a store and you get a lot of browsers rather than buyers, are you really a success? Just a thought.


In other news, I am off for the weekend. My plan (which is a risk writing it out because sometimes I don’t follow through as well if I had kept it to myself) is to put on some podcasts and clean the the shit out of my house. Between the rain and work all week, I’ve slacked some, or a lot… (a lot)

Oh, and a movie I recently watched was Gerald’s Game on Netflix. This is a plug, but not endorsed. I recommend it to those who like sick and twisted. I picked it out because I like thrillers/borderline horror, and I wasn’t disappointed. It had me at so many points question wtf I was watching, who the fuck comes up with this… and then after the credits began to roll, I did a quick Google search and found it was… Stephen King. It all made sense.

Okay, ciao for now!


I Shouldn’t Blog When Hungry.

5 Oct

Yesterday’s post was a little doom and gloom. It was relatively true, but may have been delivered differently had I ate a sandwich or something.

Today is my … Birthday…

I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess it doesn’t matter since it’s not like I am Father Time and can do anything to stop it. I have always been kinda weird about my birthday. After my last birthday party as a child (10 years of age), I kinda stopped thinking it was such a big deal. I became the JW of my birthday without any of the religious aspect.

And there’s kinda this one thing: I don’t like receiving gifts (possibly because I don’t like giving gifts??). Another excuse I can throw out there is I’m not responsible for the date I was born. I’m glad people are happy that I was born, that’s kinda cool since yesterday I did one of those annoying things on Facebook that give you a random number on how many people dislike you. My number was 400 times more than the person I got the stupid link from. I digress.

There’s a 5 love languages book by a guy with the last name Chapman, possibly first name Gary, but don’t quote me. Either way, gift giving/receiving doesn’t even make it on my list. If you’re curious, my language is Quality Time, which is kinda interesting since I tend to be a loner, but I’ll save that for therapy.

Today is also a big day for me for reasons that don’t involve me. (Shocking, I know.)

Today marks the 6th year since Steve Jobs passed away at the age of 56.

I’ll end with my favorite quote of his:

famous-steve-jobs-quotes-steve-job-quotes (1).png



Life is difficult

4 Oct

I am a white able-bodied person with a decent job living in a 3 bedroom house with two dogs. How difficult can my life really be?

Forced social situations are easier for me than voluntarily committing to something. Meaning, it is easier to go to work and deal with being around people, than it is making or keeping plans with a friend to go for coffee or just hang out.

Friendships are easier for me to maintain if they are based on texting and keeping in touch via Facebook.

When I run low on food, instead of going to the grocery store, I will munch on whatever concoction I can come up with until I am emotionally on edge and have to go get real food.

Life is difficult because I am not living. I am barely getting by.

Why Being a Childfree Adult Sucks

30 Sep

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